And I Laughed
DhamiBoo
Feb 12, 2004
Another day.
No response.
My once daily friend had again sent no word.
Stories of fear, concern, anger floated through my head.
I laughed.
I sat and ate an orange and was filled with joy and love.
And I remembered that last night as I lay down to sleep,
I set the intention to be in a place of unconditional love and joy today.
And here I was laughing at the absurdity of the unresponsiveness.
Trusting in the love of my friend and trusting in his well being.
And knowing that I did not really care one way or another.
Knowing that I was receiving the greatest lessons in trust and empowerment.
That anyone could trust in love when it is in front of their face,
but learning to trust and receive love when it is not so obvious...
well, that is a true gift.
And I laughed at the idea that the situation was my petty tyrant.
A thing I could let ruin my day. Or not.
And I laughed because I was not!
And I laughed because I finally got the concept of seeing the reality, not the stories.
The reality is that I have not heard from my friend in a week.
The stories and myths are that he is deathly ill, hates me, is terribly busy...
That he doesn't respect me, that he doesn't relate to friends as I wish to be related to.
But those are all stories. One day I may learn the story of why I do not hear from him.
And I laughed because I was going to be happy whether I saw him again or not.
Oh, I might grieve a bit.
But overall I would trust my Spirit and his Spirit in choosing the perfect path.
Death. Life. Together. Apart.
It matters not, when I dance the dance of unconditional love, joy, and empowerment.
And I laugh because I have finally achieved a place of unconditional love with someone I could easily conditionally love.
And I Sat and Ate an Orange
DhamiBoo
Feb 12, 2004
Last night, as the night before,
I lay down and set the intention to awake in unconditional love and joy.
And my night was filled with restless sleep and vivid dreams.
Worries and concerns about lovers, decisions, and livelyhood.
And I awoke a little dismayed at the life I awoke to.
Those same challenges on my mind.
The morning emails provided no relief.
And I laughed.
Lately my life has been filled with unexpected events,
and expectations unfulfilled.
I put the anger in a corner of my mind, bound and gagged it.
(yes, for someone into bdsm, this is a way of honoring the anger!)
I put all the emotions and worries off to the side... letting them do their dance...
but letting the dances be film loops off to the side.
And I let my center, my core, laugh!
And vibrate in love and joy!
And I sat and ate an orange.
Loving it, allowing it to love me.
Celebrating life.
Celebrating my choice to live in my body!
Feeding and loving my body.
And I sat and ate an orange.
And smiled.
When I Ask Myself to Feel It
copyright DhamiBoo
February 13, 2004
Another perfect day begins
The clouds obscure the sun
Yet I feel the sun's warmth on my head
It's energy burns through the clouds
Through the house
When I ask myself to feel it
Just like my Spirit
Obscured by petty thoughts and stories
Can shine through
When I ask myself to feel it
Just like Love and Joy
That dance in the trees, rocks, buildings, and people
Can course through my body and soul
When I ask myself to feel it
Last night, as I lay down, I set the intention to awake
And spend the whole day in unconditional love and joy
My dreams and thoughts had some worry
About the old stories of love and livelyhood
I awoke to the "same old world"
I found there were still a few things I did not want
But I remembered my intention
And I chose to feel the sun in spite of the clouds
And I chose to feel my Spirit in spite of the stories
And I chose to feel love and joy from the intangible source
And I danced like a little boy in bliss.
Sitting Like a Monkey
copyright DhamiBoo
February 19, 2004
Sitting like a monkey
laughing
a thousand laughing Buddha's in my ears
My body vibrating in love and joy
A few days ago I set the intention for unconditional fun
My winter went like this:
I set the intention for nurturing ongoing relationship
Someone(s) to help me hold my space of empowerment and unconditional love and joy
My healing work was taking me to the void between realities daily
And I wanted to create for myself a support system:
food, excercise, meditation, lover(s)
And the next thing I knew
I found myself Owned by a Master
On a whim of trusting Spirit
Going beyond roleplay
By winter's end I was owned, date raped, disowned, and dumped by my ex-owner
Who, by that time, was one of my closest friends, chatting hours per day.
At least that was one unempowered story.
For I had set the intention for him to be the perfect channel of my Spirit
To teach me my lessons
The date rape was my own creation out of fear and mistrust
Had I trusted my Owner, I would have been fine.
A fine lesson in the power of choosing a story...
For although I mentally figured out in a day or two that my Owner had no horrible intentions,
I went through weeks of emotional detoxification.
I found myself angry when he quit replying to my emails with no explanation.
Again, I was not trusting my Spirit to create the perfect relationships for me.
And then, the intention of Unconditional Fun kicked in.
Everyday, when I found no reply from him, nor found him in the chat room,
I began to laugh.
I began to see the game of Spirit teaching me trust and non attachment.
When I began to write him off, I found a two line Valentine's email from him,
Blessing me with love.
So I could not simply throw him aside as an uncaring bastard, like my ego would have liked.
I was so happy anyways, that I was being in a place of Unconditional Love and Joy
without him anyways, and with the bait of no response to my usual emails.
Still, I felt the Winter was kind of dark and horrible, though I laughed at it.
Finally, I wrote an email asking for some response, any response.
And, I got nothing.
It was then that my laughter got deeper!
Only Spirit could do such a thing!
I remembered Carolyn Myss' story about a man who in one day lost all his relationships:
Let go from his work partnership, and then home to find his wife leaving him.
And he knew in an instant, only Spirit could do such a thing.
And he trusted; and found himself abundantly joyful beyond imagination within a year.
And then I read in Greg Braden's Walking Between the Worlds
About the three Universal Fears: abandonment, self worth, surrendering to trust.
And I read about integrating the wavelength of love into our DNA.
I set intentions to integrate all those things.
I shit my brains out, cleansing, and laughed about it.
Later I realized that I was integrating unconditional fun.... laughing at my diarrhea!
I set the intention for the intestinal cleansing to be done by the time I started my clinic shift.
It was!
By days end, I no longer cared if he responded or not.
I had no fear of abandonment.
I was confident in my empowered actions with him over the last months,
and confident in my worth as a lover.
And the biggest lesson was Braden's comment about surrendering to the relationship beyond expectations.
And I saw in a flash how I had spent a bit of the winter judging him and our relationship against expectations,
Although, really, I constantly turned them into wishes for how I like to be treated,
There was still a root effort at creating failure and finding things wrong.
Suddenly, everything crystallized into clarity.
Depending on someone for support was inferior to trusting Spirit to support me at all times,
Knowing that if I went to the void, Spirit would take care of me.
Knowing that I am firmly rooted in the reality I wish to always come back to:
Unconditional Love, Fun, Joy, Abundance, and Empowerment.
Never depend on anyone... rather trust Spirit... is my motto.
And, yes, I can trust someone as a channel of Spirit...
But not feel dependent on them.
And I saw where all of my Ownership blowouts were about me failing to trust
Failing to trust my intentions, Spirit, and myself.
And I saw how everything my lover did that upset me
Was a lesson in trust.
And I saw how my intention of receiving only love and joy through sex
Was being integrated.... because I was receiving his love and joy in spite of feeling date raped,
in spite of feeling abandoned.
And really, love and joy are unconditional vibrations much bigger than him anyways!
Friendship is just about choosing to share things together... oh yes, it is healing too!
But intending it to be merely sharing, is the least codependent way to look at it!
And suddenly all the negative stories and voices in me,
Became servants to my unconditionally empowered, joyful, soul.
Suddenly, what before had been somewhat painful, and jaded sexual memories,
Turned into very hot, sexy, pleasant memories! Effortlessly!
Suddenly, the winter became in my mind, the best winter ever!
And my lover, a fond memory!
All of his qualities, that I liked and disliked, became the gift of who he is.
Oh, I would love to see him again, dearly.
But I have offered all I can, creating a safe space for him to be himself with me.
And I trust Spirit to bring him back to me at the perfect time.
I know I am happy with or without him.
I know I am supported with or without him.
I know I have healed the Ownership with or without him.
I know I have healed all my issues with him with or without him.
He can claim some of the victory or not!
And my insides feel all warm inside as my DNA vibrates in the wavelength of love.
And I grin and smile and laugh
Like a laughing monkey
With a thousand laughing Buddha's in my ears!
And I pray that everyone may transcend the three universal fears,
and every cell and dna strand within them bounce in love!
PS. Last night, I became so horny, like I hadn't been in months.
The kind of horniness where you just want almost anything up your butt!
And I looked over at the picture of my lover,
Which earlier I had considered burning to be done with him and his unreponsive lack of expression,
And I felt compelled to beat off on it!
And I remembered fondly the scene which had formerly felt like date rape.
This morning all the jaded feelings I have ever had about any of my lovers dissolved
Into gratitude for what time I have had with them, and hot sexy memories.
The ones I wish had not left me, I realize my Spirit sent away!
Not that they can't come back, but at the time, we had done what we could together.
And I am grateful!
And I grin and smile and laugh
Like a laughing monkey
With a thousand laughing Buddha's in my ears!
